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A rather contentious issue has arisen on the 28 racing boards pertaining to State titles versus personal best times. Which is better? A number of insightful posts have followed from various elite runners on their impression to which is more important. For various reasons I have opted not to post my own thoughts on this subject within the thread, but rather voice a more deep and meaningful reasoning in this article that I'm writing now. Although when you read this, I won't be writing it because it will be finished and while you're reading I'll be drunk. Clear as mud?
Many moons ago I qualified and ran in the state titles or should I say 'provincial titles' in Uzbekistan. It really is a loving place. You'd like it! I don't know why I say that. Nobody likes it! It's the arse-end of the world actually. That's why I was asked to leave….I mean why I left. Anyway I digress. I claimed my one and only 'provincial title' there over 5000 metres and won in a personal best time. I stormed to the front after 2 laps and started peeling off 62s to destroy the field. By halfway I had lapped all the other runners save my own shadow. I coasted home in the second half of the race, even nibbling on a sandwich in the back straight of the last lap. I won by six minutes. For me the greatest reality of the win was not the 'provincial title' or the personal best time. It was the twelve bottles of Smirnoff Vodka as the first place prize. I mean come on, those bottles of vodka meant one thing and one thing only, I was going pickup some chicks! That night I was busier than a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy lake.
This is the crux of the whole matter, one that even seasoned competitors are not willing to admit to. It's all about the chicks! Regardless of State titles or personal bests, either one gives you the opening to score with the ladies. Let me demonstrate. Picture a buzzing, pumpin' nightclub full to the brim on a Saturday night. You pay your $26 cover charge and cruise in to scan the joint. You notice a bunch of runners at the bar. How do you know they are runners? Lets just say that as a runner you have a sixth sense for these things. One particular guy is the centre of attention, surrounded by a number of hopeful young ladies. The conversation is in full swing.
Girl 1: "So what do you do for a living?"
Runner: "I run really fast!"
Girl 2: "Wow! That sounds impressive."
Runner: "Yeah. I just won the Australian Marathon Championships."
Girl 1: "Really…How far is a marathon?"
Runner: "It's 42 kilometres."
Girl 3: "And you run ALL the way?"
Runner: "Yep."
Girl 1: "You must be so fit?"
Runner: "I can do one-arm pushups with my eyes closed…"
See, it all about the chicks. Hold on Snorks, I here you say. You have just explained how a running title can get the babes. But what happening if I don't have a title? Simple really, let talk personal best times then. Picture the same nightclub and conversation with a slight twist. On this occasion the fawning girls are runners also.
Runner Girl 1: "So what do you do for a living?"
Runner: "I'm a Scientist, but running is my passion."
Runner Girl 2: "Really…what event do you run?"
Runner: "Marathon."
Runner Girl 3: "What's your PB?"
Runner: "2:20:17"
Runner Girl 1: "Wow! That's impressive."
Runner Girl 2: "You must be so fit?"
Runner: "I can do one-arm pushups with my eyes closed…"
See, again we come to the same conclusion as before, thus ending my demonstration. Of course this works also for women who are out to score with the guys or girls. Well I assume there are lesbian runners. Hell, technically I'm a lesbian runner! However, the subtleties of those particular conversations are not as intricate as the male ones, because exposing one's breasts generally works far better.
It has become almost a matter of male secrecy that runner's young and old alike cannot display the truth for what it is. Do you really think for one moment that male runners are really debating the pros and cons of two equally important events in their running careers that give them the same opportunity to chase the honeys? It's a moot point in my humble opinion.
Anyone remember what Roger Bannister did after he crashed through athletics most insurmountable barrier? He went out clubbing (if you can call clubbing in the 1950s clubbing) with Chris Chataway and Chris Brasher and some womenfolk. That's right, as if we need any more proof. Arguably, the greatest sporting feat of all time and Roger Bannister celebrates the occasion with WOMEN! Hands up those who know of Ron "the Hedgehog" Jeremy? Come on let's not be shy about these things. The Hedgehog was voted Number One Adult Film Star of all time by the Adult Video Network. This, by the way, is pretty impressive, but think for a second of what Jeremy's life would have been like if he hadn't signed up to do a porno film in 1978. He would have had to think up another way to get the chicks like running or something. Although, considering the size of "the Hedgehog" and even based on his nickname alone, I think Jeremy chose his other profession wisely.
I will leave you now with one final thought on the subject. To all those budding runners eager to set a new personal best or, even, win a State title, remember you are only a hamstring tear away from oblivion so run hard, race hard and leave nothing on the track. In the immortal words of one former American record holder: you can't burn out if you never catch fire!
