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Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 2005 Annual Snork Awards! Tonight we celebrate all the fuck-ups, which have surfaced last year in athletics from at home and abroad. As usual it's a massive program, so let's get straight into it and start handing out the Snorks!
Winner of the Snork Award for Athletic Gender-Bending
goes to:
Maria Mutola (Mr Mutola has won this award 10 years straight.
Zhanna Block was, once again, Mutola's biggest nemesis and runner-up yet again.)
Winner of the Snork Award for Biggest Tackle in Track goes to:
Matt
Shirvington (Matt faced stiff challenges for Mo Greene and Maria Mutola in
this category. Nominees in this category are always tested for PES's: Performance
Enhancing Socks!)
Winner of the Snork Award for Best Eye Popping Effects
goes to:
Wilson Kepeter (Wilson narrowly beat Bernard Lagat who
staged an epic eye-popping finish to the 2004 Athens 1500m final. Bernard was
disqualified later from the awards after it was revealed that he shat his pants
during the race.)
Winner of the Snork Award for Best Crying Act goes to:
Dual winners here folks: Paula Radcliffe and Jana Pittman (Paula delivered
a sound and clinical display of bawling her eyes out just 6km from the finish
of the Women Marathon at Athens while Jana did a terrific job of carrying on like
a headless chicken, after that fateful display of warm-up hurdling.)
Winner
of the Snork Award for Best Hurdling Screw-up goes to:
Perdita Felicien
(Perdita did a tremendous job of stalling on the blocks of the 100m hurdles final
in Athens, then got going, managed to steer herself sideways, crash into the first
hurdle and take out 17 competitors and 7 spectators. Luckily no one was seriously
hurt in the incident.)
Winner of the Snork Award for Best Post Race Celebration
goes to:
Maurice Greene (Mo beat a number competitors in this category,
but his antics in California last year brought him the Snork when he won a 100m
final and then had his spikes put out with a fire extinguisher.)
Winner
of the Award for Best Track-Side Coaching goes to:
Cornelius Horan
(Horan was Brazilian Marathoner Vanderlei de Lima's coach when he stormed
onto the Athens Marathon course to tell his bolter to slow down. Funnily, de Lima
never appeared happy about his coach's advice.)
Winner of the Award for
Best Impersonation of a Porn Star goes to:
Felix Sanchez (Felix
held off rising star Yuriy Borzakovskiy for the coveted Snork in this category.
Apparently they don't call him Superman for nothing!)
Winner of the Award
for Best Comment after Fucking up goes to:
Perdita Felicien (Perdita
beat a star-studded list of athletics who have managed to say stupid things all
year. Patrick Johnston was nominated for great comments like, "Right now I'm not
trying to run fast." After being beaten, yet again, in the 100m dash. Perdita
won with "I have no clue what happened." This comment was made to the media shortly
after the 100m hurdles final in Athens in which she has already won a Snork. Guess
what Perdita? We know what happened!
And, Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight the
Golden Snorkel - given to Outstanding Achievement in the field of Fucking up goes
to:
Konstantinos Kenteris: (KK is awarded the Golden Snorkel after
the debacle in Athens which saw him get flipped top-side off his motorcycle by
some crazed fan. It was a sickening experience and I for one offer my condolences
to KK on how the media interpreted the events.)
Thank you everyone for your support of the Snork Awards and remember that whenever and wherever you fuck up we will be there to capture it and show the world. Good night everyone!
