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Post Race Depresssion And Illness - Ouch!
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16 December 2011
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This a topic that I never thought I'd be able share my experiences with given that it had never happened to me....until now and WOW did it hit me hard !!!!
What makes running so special is the euphoria and sense of achievement that you get AFTER completing a tough race. My favourite (and probably over used) quote when people ask me why I love running so much is that, truth be told, “I hate running but I love finishing”. Hate is probably an unfair word to use as there are many things that are great about running but, to illustrate a point, what makes it so special is not just the journey, but the destination. That would probably also explain why I don’t understand the importance of airport club lounges, comfy first class seats and inflight entertainment when planning your holiday (sorry to my wife Bronwyn as she loves these extra comforts !). If I could hitch a ride in an F/A 18 fighter jet to get me to my favourite Canadian Ski Resort sooner I’d be in heaven (come to think of it, wouldn't we all !). So, my not so realistic point is, the sooner you reach your destination the more time you have to enjoy it. Maybe this is one of the reasons why we strive to get to the finish line of a marathon just that little bit sooner than the last time we did it ?
So how does this relate to post race depression ?
The preparation and training involved to sit in the seat of a fighter jet is obviously far greater than the effort required to be a passenger in a commercial airliner and so the same could apply when it comes to achieving your best possible result in a marathon.
In 2008 and 2009 I ran and raced and ran and raced and ran and raced, well you get the picture !. I figured that the more you ran the better you would get but what I didn't allow for is the point at which the body screams enough and leaves you a broken wreck. In my case it was a pretty excruciating dose of Osteitis Pubis that forced me to pursue a new approach to my training and race program (see my other blog for details on this). My physio, Sean Cooney, put together a rehabilitation program that required commitment and discipline, something I always felt that I had no problem managing however It’s not until you have someone on the sideline driving the point home to you that you realize that your own perception of self discipline can actually be a lack of discipline in the eyes of others. This theory was really driven home hard when I teamed up with the master of discipline, my coach, PT, sports psychologist and confidant, Jarrod Smith !
From September 2010 onwards we had a single goal that occupied our minds at every training session, a sub 3 hour marathon at the 2011 Gold Coast Running Festival. My previous personal best was a 3:12.37 at the 2009 Blackmores Sydney Running Festival and was achieved just before my OP injury (truth be told, my training for this event was most likely the reason for the injury). Having not run anything further than 5kms since then it was going to be a tough ride not just to recover from the injury but reduce my time by at least 12 minutes. What made the journey such a pleasure however was that everyone within my circle of influence had complete faith in me, an extremely powerful boost to believing in yourself and achieving your goals.
At one of the early goal sessions together with Jarrod, he asked me what time I believed I could run at the 2011 Gold Coast Marathon. With growing confidence and the knowledge that Jarrod would expect more than just a vague “sub 3 hours” as an answer, I rather brashly responded with a very precise “2:56.57”. “Great, so I want to you to go away, write that number on a couple of pieces of paper and stick them on your fridge, your bathroom mirror and your desk at work so you have a constant reminder of what you will soon achieve”. No problem I thought, however I decided to take things a step further and doctored a copy of the finishers photo I had from the 2009 Gold Coast marathon with my soon to be achieved race time. Gone was the old 3:12.45 time and the 2009 date on the photo and they were replaced with a 2:56.57 time and 2011 date. With this subtle piece of ammunition I could now visualize myself running over the finish line as if I had already done it. The next tactic we applied was to use the theory that “if you tell a lie enough times you start to believe it yourself”. So a conversation with an interested person might go along the lines of “So. What’s your marathon personal best time ?” to which I’d respond “2:56.57”. My inquisitive friend might then say “That’s a great time, where and when did you do it ?” to which I’d say “The Gold Coast Marathon in July 2011”. Needless to say I’ve now invited puzzled looks from my friend as they try to understand how I achieved a pb from a race that has not happened yet. Hopefully the penny drops without me having to explain my psychological time travel and they eventually understand that what I’m really saying is that, in my mind I’ve already done that time. So this was the theme of our training for the next 9 months !
So we turn the clocks forward to the day itself, 3rd July 2011. 9 months of training that far exceeded my expectations, some extremely promising results in a few lead up half marathons, all the support and encouragement from friends and family that I could have ever asked for and I was ready to smash out low 4 minute km’s for 42.2kms. Was I feeling the pressure ? Well the first 2kms of the race told the story with a heart rate well above the comfort zone for this early in the race but I soon settled down and it was down to business for the next SUB 3 hours. As it turned out the heart rate spike was the only glitch and I had what was the most clinical and well controlled race of my life, with one major exception which I’ll come to later !
For a detailed race report you can read my blog “Gold Coast Marathon Sub 3 hour-Job Done”.
Such was the effectiveness of our training and Jarrod’s brilliant dose of sports psychology that, coming down the finishing straight and seeing 2:54.50 on the clock, all I could think of was “Ok, job done”. What the @#^%!, no cartwheels, fist pumping or victory laps just a simple acknowledgement of what I already believed in. I have heard from other runners in the past that they have experienced this same sensation after breaking through the brick wall of benchmark goals (the sub 3 or 4 hour marathon being the biggies !). I was sure that the euphoria would hit me eventually but this expectation was dealt a savage blow when I leant over to catch my breath and noticed……….NO TIMING CHIP ON MY SHOE ! (for those wondering how this can happen, I used to use twist lock ties to attach the chip to my laces for ease of removal and make it easier to tighten your shoes but the twist lock ties had been used for a few too many races and were obviously getting a little worn). I had no idea how far into the race it had parted company with me but as far as I was concerned it didn’t matter if it was 1km or 41kms. It wasn’t there as I crossed the finish line therefore I had to accept the fact that I was not going to be credited with an official finishing time. Panic is an understatement as tears, fury, and humiliation were just a few of the more accurate inevitable emotions I felt along with the usual exhaustion. To cut a long story short, the race directors were extremely helpful and with the good fortune of video footage at the finish line and the timing chip staying where it should have been up to the 30km timing mat, they had sufficient evidence to officially recognize my time. It did however (and understandably) take about 2 weeks for this to happen therefore I had plenty of time stress over the fact that my name was missing from the official results, not the best way to savor your achievements.
While the waiting was going on I completely lost focus on looking after myself with simple things such as nutrition, hydration and staying warm which resulted in a nasty dose of the flu knocking me off my feet. Only a 5 days before I was in my peak physical condition and felt indestructible, now I was having trouble climbing the stairs at home to get to my bed !
With all these issues affecting my mind and body I couldn’t help but develop an overwhelming feeling of guilt for putting in such a huge effort and forsaking all else to simply run 42.2kms as fast as I possibly could. For all the time and effort, couldn’t I have put it towards something more rewarding that gave something back to the community ?. All I could think was that I had just committed an egomaniac driven crime of self indulgence. Did I do this for anyone but myself and why was the official recognition of the result so important to me ? It was at this point that I realized I had slumped into the feared depression that sometimes occurs after an all consuming high point in your life.
The good news was that the cure was very simple. All I needed was sharp dose of counseling from those within my circle of influence, the same people who helped to inspire and motivate me before the event were the ones best qualified to get me back into the right state of mind after the event. Like I said, simple !
Also, the one small mistake I made which I’ll rectify in future was to put all my effort into one single goal without considering my ambitions after I had achieved the result. The hollow feeling of not knowing what to do next could have been avoided by have something locked away in the back of mind that could be brought quickly to my conscious thoughts the moment that it was required. I did have loose plans but nothing solid and it wasn’t until 3 months after the event that I made the bold decision to target the 2012 Busselton Ironman as my next big goal . Now that I am committed to this, my focus on training is back where it was 9 months before the Gold Coast marathon and it’s a great feeling.
So to recap on the journey from training to race to depression and back to training again:
Pre race contributors
• Coming back from an injury that threatened to stop me running all together
• An extremely disciplined and committed training program
• The belief that the targeted result was already achieved
• Focusing on a single event as your one and only goal
Post Race Contributors
• My lost timing chip !!
• Uncertainty of what to aim for after achieving my sub 3 hour goal
• A nasty dose of the flu
• The feeling of selfishness resulting from spending so much time on a single pursuit for my own benefit
The solution
• Support and guidance from those you know and trust
• Always have another goal in mind even before you’ve completed your last one
• The conscious belief that what you do for yourself can make you a better person for the benefit of others
So, what did I learn from this little experience. The greatest lesson was that when you set yourself a goal in anything, whether it’s sport, work, relationships or family, the path to success is more rewarding when you have people to share the journey with and when you have reached your destination those same people are there to help you find your way back home again. I was fortunate enough to have people around me that understood this and were there for me when I was experiencing the highs of success and more importantly they were also there when I was an intolerable, moody, self obsessed little juvenile.
Any worthwhile goal in life requires a huge effort even if it’s for your own self fulfillment. Having the realization of your own potential and abilities by pushing yourself beyond what you once thought was achievable makes it possible to apply this same concept in all aspects of life. For example;
• Can I be a more caring husband? If I can worry about that nameless person struggling and hurting when they hit the wall in a race, of course I can care about the closest person in my life !
• Can I dive into the water and save that drowning person? I’m fit strong and healthy and know I can do it so, yes, of course it’s possible !
• Can I do the best possible job at work? I can be 100% committed and concentrate solely on the job at hand for a little under 3 hours in an uncomfortable environment so 8 hours sitting in a chair in an air conditioned office should be a breeze !
What makes running so special is the euphoria and sense of achievement that you get AFTER completing a tough race. My favourite (and probably over used) quote when people ask me why I love running so much is that, truth be told, “I hate running but I love finishing”. Hate is probably an unfair word to use as there are many things that are great about running but, to illustrate a point, what makes it so special is not just the journey, but the destination. That would probably also explain why I don’t understand the importance of airport club lounges, comfy first class seats and inflight entertainment when planning your holiday (sorry to my wife Bronwyn as she loves these extra comforts !). If I could hitch a ride in an F/A 18 fighter jet to get me to my favourite Canadian Ski Resort sooner I’d be in heaven (come to think of it, wouldn't we all !). So, my not so realistic point is, the sooner you reach your destination the more time you have to enjoy it. Maybe this is one of the reasons why we strive to get to the finish line of a marathon just that little bit sooner than the last time we did it ?
So how does this relate to post race depression ?
The preparation and training involved to sit in the seat of a fighter jet is obviously far greater than the effort required to be a passenger in a commercial airliner and so the same could apply when it comes to achieving your best possible result in a marathon.
In 2008 and 2009 I ran and raced and ran and raced and ran and raced, well you get the picture !. I figured that the more you ran the better you would get but what I didn't allow for is the point at which the body screams enough and leaves you a broken wreck. In my case it was a pretty excruciating dose of Osteitis Pubis that forced me to pursue a new approach to my training and race program (see my other blog for details on this). My physio, Sean Cooney, put together a rehabilitation program that required commitment and discipline, something I always felt that I had no problem managing however It’s not until you have someone on the sideline driving the point home to you that you realize that your own perception of self discipline can actually be a lack of discipline in the eyes of others. This theory was really driven home hard when I teamed up with the master of discipline, my coach, PT, sports psychologist and confidant, Jarrod Smith !
From September 2010 onwards we had a single goal that occupied our minds at every training session, a sub 3 hour marathon at the 2011 Gold Coast Running Festival. My previous personal best was a 3:12.37 at the 2009 Blackmores Sydney Running Festival and was achieved just before my OP injury (truth be told, my training for this event was most likely the reason for the injury). Having not run anything further than 5kms since then it was going to be a tough ride not just to recover from the injury but reduce my time by at least 12 minutes. What made the journey such a pleasure however was that everyone within my circle of influence had complete faith in me, an extremely powerful boost to believing in yourself and achieving your goals.
At one of the early goal sessions together with Jarrod, he asked me what time I believed I could run at the 2011 Gold Coast Marathon. With growing confidence and the knowledge that Jarrod would expect more than just a vague “sub 3 hours” as an answer, I rather brashly responded with a very precise “2:56.57”. “Great, so I want to you to go away, write that number on a couple of pieces of paper and stick them on your fridge, your bathroom mirror and your desk at work so you have a constant reminder of what you will soon achieve”. No problem I thought, however I decided to take things a step further and doctored a copy of the finishers photo I had from the 2009 Gold Coast marathon with my soon to be achieved race time. Gone was the old 3:12.45 time and the 2009 date on the photo and they were replaced with a 2:56.57 time and 2011 date. With this subtle piece of ammunition I could now visualize myself running over the finish line as if I had already done it. The next tactic we applied was to use the theory that “if you tell a lie enough times you start to believe it yourself”. So a conversation with an interested person might go along the lines of “So. What’s your marathon personal best time ?” to which I’d respond “2:56.57”. My inquisitive friend might then say “That’s a great time, where and when did you do it ?” to which I’d say “The Gold Coast Marathon in July 2011”. Needless to say I’ve now invited puzzled looks from my friend as they try to understand how I achieved a pb from a race that has not happened yet. Hopefully the penny drops without me having to explain my psychological time travel and they eventually understand that what I’m really saying is that, in my mind I’ve already done that time. So this was the theme of our training for the next 9 months !
So we turn the clocks forward to the day itself, 3rd July 2011. 9 months of training that far exceeded my expectations, some extremely promising results in a few lead up half marathons, all the support and encouragement from friends and family that I could have ever asked for and I was ready to smash out low 4 minute km’s for 42.2kms. Was I feeling the pressure ? Well the first 2kms of the race told the story with a heart rate well above the comfort zone for this early in the race but I soon settled down and it was down to business for the next SUB 3 hours. As it turned out the heart rate spike was the only glitch and I had what was the most clinical and well controlled race of my life, with one major exception which I’ll come to later !
For a detailed race report you can read my blog “Gold Coast Marathon Sub 3 hour-Job Done”.
Such was the effectiveness of our training and Jarrod’s brilliant dose of sports psychology that, coming down the finishing straight and seeing 2:54.50 on the clock, all I could think of was “Ok, job done”. What the @#^%!, no cartwheels, fist pumping or victory laps just a simple acknowledgement of what I already believed in. I have heard from other runners in the past that they have experienced this same sensation after breaking through the brick wall of benchmark goals (the sub 3 or 4 hour marathon being the biggies !). I was sure that the euphoria would hit me eventually but this expectation was dealt a savage blow when I leant over to catch my breath and noticed……….NO TIMING CHIP ON MY SHOE ! (for those wondering how this can happen, I used to use twist lock ties to attach the chip to my laces for ease of removal and make it easier to tighten your shoes but the twist lock ties had been used for a few too many races and were obviously getting a little worn). I had no idea how far into the race it had parted company with me but as far as I was concerned it didn’t matter if it was 1km or 41kms. It wasn’t there as I crossed the finish line therefore I had to accept the fact that I was not going to be credited with an official finishing time. Panic is an understatement as tears, fury, and humiliation were just a few of the more accurate inevitable emotions I felt along with the usual exhaustion. To cut a long story short, the race directors were extremely helpful and with the good fortune of video footage at the finish line and the timing chip staying where it should have been up to the 30km timing mat, they had sufficient evidence to officially recognize my time. It did however (and understandably) take about 2 weeks for this to happen therefore I had plenty of time stress over the fact that my name was missing from the official results, not the best way to savor your achievements.
While the waiting was going on I completely lost focus on looking after myself with simple things such as nutrition, hydration and staying warm which resulted in a nasty dose of the flu knocking me off my feet. Only a 5 days before I was in my peak physical condition and felt indestructible, now I was having trouble climbing the stairs at home to get to my bed !
With all these issues affecting my mind and body I couldn’t help but develop an overwhelming feeling of guilt for putting in such a huge effort and forsaking all else to simply run 42.2kms as fast as I possibly could. For all the time and effort, couldn’t I have put it towards something more rewarding that gave something back to the community ?. All I could think was that I had just committed an egomaniac driven crime of self indulgence. Did I do this for anyone but myself and why was the official recognition of the result so important to me ? It was at this point that I realized I had slumped into the feared depression that sometimes occurs after an all consuming high point in your life.
The good news was that the cure was very simple. All I needed was sharp dose of counseling from those within my circle of influence, the same people who helped to inspire and motivate me before the event were the ones best qualified to get me back into the right state of mind after the event. Like I said, simple !
Also, the one small mistake I made which I’ll rectify in future was to put all my effort into one single goal without considering my ambitions after I had achieved the result. The hollow feeling of not knowing what to do next could have been avoided by have something locked away in the back of mind that could be brought quickly to my conscious thoughts the moment that it was required. I did have loose plans but nothing solid and it wasn’t until 3 months after the event that I made the bold decision to target the 2012 Busselton Ironman as my next big goal . Now that I am committed to this, my focus on training is back where it was 9 months before the Gold Coast marathon and it’s a great feeling.
So to recap on the journey from training to race to depression and back to training again:
Pre race contributors
• Coming back from an injury that threatened to stop me running all together
• An extremely disciplined and committed training program
• The belief that the targeted result was already achieved
• Focusing on a single event as your one and only goal
Post Race Contributors
• My lost timing chip !!
• Uncertainty of what to aim for after achieving my sub 3 hour goal
• A nasty dose of the flu
• The feeling of selfishness resulting from spending so much time on a single pursuit for my own benefit
The solution
• Support and guidance from those you know and trust
• Always have another goal in mind even before you’ve completed your last one
• The conscious belief that what you do for yourself can make you a better person for the benefit of others
So, what did I learn from this little experience. The greatest lesson was that when you set yourself a goal in anything, whether it’s sport, work, relationships or family, the path to success is more rewarding when you have people to share the journey with and when you have reached your destination those same people are there to help you find your way back home again. I was fortunate enough to have people around me that understood this and were there for me when I was experiencing the highs of success and more importantly they were also there when I was an intolerable, moody, self obsessed little juvenile.
Any worthwhile goal in life requires a huge effort even if it’s for your own self fulfillment. Having the realization of your own potential and abilities by pushing yourself beyond what you once thought was achievable makes it possible to apply this same concept in all aspects of life. For example;
• Can I be a more caring husband? If I can worry about that nameless person struggling and hurting when they hit the wall in a race, of course I can care about the closest person in my life !
• Can I dive into the water and save that drowning person? I’m fit strong and healthy and know I can do it so, yes, of course it’s possible !
• Can I do the best possible job at work? I can be 100% committed and concentrate solely on the job at hand for a little under 3 hours in an uncomfortable environment so 8 hours sitting in a chair in an air conditioned office should be a breeze !
Your blog I think is indicative of many of the things that I believe many runners and athletes in general experience in sport and in life.
The goal setting, the dedication, the drive, he guilt of self indulgence yet compelling desire to fulfil the goal set and push to your limits to achieve that goal to the best of your ability.
The over training, injury, highs and lows of running. Well it is for me anyway.
I am far from the athlete you describe yourself to be and I am a mature runner yet the emotions and feelings are similar and you articulate them very well, normalising what runners can experience and others often do not understand.
Thanks for sharing your journey and all the best with your future goals.
Brenda