1591 replies to this topic

[snailpace]

hello supermum  :)  
hoping that today is a better day than the last..
in response to your depression and your family, it is very common for family(no matter how close) to disregard the problem, or not acknowledge that there is anything wrong, therfor it is extremely important for you to find a trusting and understanding doctor that you can express how you feel...a pyschologist is a person that you discuss your feeling with and pyschiatrist is a person that you discuss with as well they prescribe medication. it is important that maybe you find a support group that is non judgemental as well, or a cplof very close friends...in saying all this l can relate as l have a beautiful friend that was diagnosed with a deep depression, her family refused to acknowledge it.. she was just having a bad day she'll snap out of it!.. she went to thru a few doctors until she found one that she could trust , with the help of her friends, support group and yes medication..l have beautiful friend that yes still has aher days of struggles, but feels life is now worth living.. you can do this supermum! please let us know how you continue on this difficult journey  :)

[Inspired]

Hi Supermum,

I knew something was wrong with me and I felt I might be suffering depression, but I didn't really know what it was. Then I  started reading abou it on the web and came across this thread on depression.

I didn't care anymore about anything. Had  no plans no dreams, hated my work and at the same time lost contact to some of my best friends over some relationship troubles. Some days i just couldn't stop thinking how easy it would be to just have an accident and die. I didn't think about commiting suicide, but I thought a lot about thinking about it - if that makes sense. I just didn't have the energy to do more.

I had trained up for a half marathon, but ended up not doing it because I was very likely to risk injury. After that, I just gave up, training, socializing, everything really. I am still not back into running again, maybe as time goes on, I will, but I don't want to stress myself about it now. I have started socializing again purely for the reason: "I used to enjoy this and even if I don't feel like it, I am just going to it anyway."

I believe it is good to know what you are dealing with and so I started to read a lot to find out what depression - or clinical depression - is.

I have followed a learning path from the clinical-depression.co.uk
site. They do not try to sell you anything but for a point of view.

One thing I have learnt for myself is that there is nothing like a clear definition of what depression is, only that it is very individual. So best treatment is probably very individual as well.

Medication can help to find your balance ( I am still tossing up whether I should try it or not), but I personally believe that therapy is the way to go - at least for me. However you need to be sure that you can go to a therapist you get along with and feel comfortable with. Why should you trust one therapist to be the one who can help you? E.g: If you are a teacher, you know that there is a lot of lousy teachers out there, why would that be different with doctors or therapists? There is good ones and bad ones.  The above website also has a checklist for "How good is my therapist" which I found very helpful.

I have stared an online therapy (good if you have regular internet access:)  It is an ANU website and even if it seems a bit silly at times, just do it! You have got nothing to loose really.
Moodgym I am pretty surprised how much it has helped me so far and I want to finish it. It is cognitive therapy.

Supermum, you are runner, you know how to train. Maybe the Moodgym will help you train your mind!

I hope this has been helpful to you. One thing I love to add everytime I try to give advice to someone is that they should treat my advice just like that: "Free advice is often worth just as much as it costs"   :)  

Would love to hear if you find one thing more helpful than another, cause I am still trying to sort myself out as well and any help is appreciated.

Cheers,

- (hopefully soon again) Inspired

[toriejane]

I am really appauled at your attitude gronk....but then again most of the population see depression/mental illness as just someone someone can snap out of.  I wish it was that easy.  Perhaps gronk, your life has just been so easy that you have never had to deal with the real world or life.  Sorry gronk, but you comment really pissed me off.....I do hope that now after reading the responce you caused, you will no show abit more empathy towards other people.

[vat]

Uh, toriejane, you did check the dates of the posts and read through the whole of the thread, didn't you?

[Boonarga]

Those of you who have never suffered depression are lucky. The feeling of hopelessness can easily become overwhelming.

A couple of years ago I was at bottom and have risen back up mainly through running, particularly some of the fellow runners I have met. Without CoolRunning who knows where I would be.

For those who suffer still, people do care about you. Even those that you haven't yet met.

[kb]

Supermum

I have spent the best part of this year in a similar space.  I have a fabulous network of friends and family and, fortunately, sought help from the right people.

I am more than happy to chat with you further via email.  Sometimes sharing experiences can be helpful.  Even if it just helps you to realise that others share similar feelings and manage them day by day.

WT

Edit:  Catch Me If You Can, I am happy for you to contact me via email too

[Ultraphil]

It's been a fantastic read this thread.  I decided this morning looking at my life, that ever so often I must stop and "smell the roses". That way, one will appreciate the good things in life.

Phil

[Colac]

Humans are genetically hot-wired to seek happiness, and depression = lack of rewards.

A chemical change cuts off the perception of rewards and depression takes over as the dopamine levels fall.

When we get a burst of happiness, dopamine is sprayed like a sprinkler over much of the brain.

Drugs like amphetamine or cocaine stimulate several 1,000-fold increase in dopamine between cells.

This sends a huge sledgehammer of a message: "wow! This is something I want to experience again!"

But when you come off the drug, you don't go back to where you were - you undercut the baseline, which makes the contrast even greater.

People differ in the way they react to dopamine stimulation in thrill seeking experiences.

One person may want to ride on a roller coaster all day long, whilst another can't wait to get off after just one ride.

Oxytocin, a relaxing hormone, is being looked at very closely at the moment to see if it can help moderate depression.

When people can hug each other a lot, oxytocin is released to make us feel better if we are feeling stressed or a bit down in the dumps.

[supermum]

Hi all and many thanks for all of your encouragement and support!  I was really not expecting anything of the sort and was very overwhelmed with it all.  It certainly did get me out of my depressed mood for a while!   :D  

I have been fairly much the same since my other posts, although a lot has happened in my private life.  After a lot of deliberation I will be going in for fairly major surgery on Wednesday 31/8/05, which will no doubt change my life forever - atleast if I want to have any more children (they will need to be adopted).  All at the ripe old age of 31 and 8 days!  :)  

So all doing well, I should be back home in a couple of days and be back on the road training again in about 5 - 6 weeks, slowly of course!  I was hoping to go to Brissie drinks and was just about to send the post to count me in, when I had to leave to go to the doctor.  So to all of those going, have a drink or five for me.    ;)  

I have found that, after receiving a few emails, that I have wanted to talk to my family about how I feel, but whenever I try to start, it seems as though they get a sixth sense or something and walk out of the room.   :rolleyes:  

I will keep trying I suppose until I go mad.  Maybe then they will listen to me.

Thanks again to everyone!!

Cheers,

supermum. - new mum no more.

[Shankate]

Thought I would dig out this thread rather than starting a new one.... BEWARE: this is a deep one from me and I will no doubt regret it after I post.....    

I am currently facing a bit of a dilemma. To be as brief as possible, I have a long standing history of depression (with associated anorexia in the past); and have recently 'slipped' a bit, back into what feels like a bubble where I am somewhat able to exist in the world - but not quite able to interact with it completely. Fortunately in the past I have been able to use running as the best natural anti-depressant, anti-anxiety treatment I've ever tried (and I've tried quite a few...) - but alas, it is no longer an option...  

I have been injured now for two weeks, during which time I have been unable to run. At all. I can hardly even put weight on my right leg so I can't even run 'a bit'. I was running ~ 70-80kms/week and then one morning I just couldn't get out of bed as my back was so painful; and has been since. Nothing has ever stopped me running before! (I guess I shoudl consider myself lucky!!)

The dilemma I am now facing is that I have realised my whole world revolves around running. I am devastated not to be able to get my daily 'fix' and all of my plans for this year are based around events. I am single and have recently moved interstate, and pretty much my whole social life also revolves around running.

My injury is not improving and just to add to the mix; after being assessed by Staff Health at work today have been told I cannot work until a 'plan' has been put into place so that my work is safe and I don't hurt my back more. So a forced sick day tomorrow.  

I am now not only depressed about not being able to run, extremely worried about my injury (for which I don't have a diagnosis yet) and it's outcome for my running future, but also feeling like a failure for all the patients that now have to be cancelled tomorrow, anxious about what I'm going to do when I'm not working, guilty for being ungrateful when I KNOW there are people soo much worse off than me etc etc.

I guess my reason for posting was to see if anyone had any coping ideas for a depression-prone running addict deemed unable to run? Personal experiences? A kick in the bum? Or a hug?  

[Bellthorpe]

Well a kick in the bum would probably be counter-productive, and any 'wise words' I could offer would probably look trite in print.

So will you settle for the hug?

Take care ... and see what's ailing your running. Most physical afflictions can be cured.

[Maygan]

I guess until you know the cause you can't think about rehab, but maybe keep deep water running in mind?  It's non-weight bearing and would be good cross training for running when you're back in action

Take care and hope you get some answers soon.

[sunny1]

Here is another hug!   Are you still able to swim?

Take care ... get a diagnosis first and then make a plan. Until then ... time to chill.

Sincerely
S1

[emjay]

Shankate,

i have also used running to deal with depression.  i find that while i struggle with motivation, exercise really does help increase the endorphins.  that was all going well until i developed glandular fever about 6 months ago and i have struggled since then.  the worst thing is, when i dont have the energy to exercise, i turn to comfort food to make myself feel better - which of course if counter-productive, because then i just feel fat.

the first thing i would say is to try and not be too harsh on yourself, and recognise that you are not going to find it easy, and thats ok.  if you can do something like swimming, great, but if not, treat yourself to some rest and relaxation - you deserve it.

i see you have just moved interstate, but you dont say where to.  moving is a big deal, it creates lots of change and lots of stress.  that is also going to take its toll.  

make sure you go and see a doctor and physio, to sort out your injury, at least then you will be doing something positive about it.  and in the meantime - maybe the time you are having off from running can give you the opportunity to do something else that you didnt have time to try before.  

good luck!  here's another hug

[PlodBod]

definitely a hug.

Be nice to yourself.  You're having a tough enough time without beating yourself up over anything.  

It will all come good.

[Shankate]

Bellthorpe your posts never cease to surprise me (in the nicest way possible!!  
The hugs are much appreciated. More so than you might imagine.... !!

Hmmm.... chill?? I don't tend to do this so well. I have a sneaking suspicion the house is going to be sparkling clean by this time tomorrow night...

And THANK GOODNESS, yes I am still able to swim. It is my saving grace and the only time I am pain free at the moment. Also helps to clear my thoughts and help put things into perspective.

Thanks again. I am quite humbled that you all took the time to reply.  

[emjay]

another thought - one thing that has helped me keep going while not running, is volunteering and cheering.  it keeps me involved and keep that connection with running, and with other runners, that will help me get back into it again.

[PEEKIE]

A hug. You need a proper diagnosis so then you have a better outlook on how long you will be out for and what the path to recovery is. Then the fear factor of never being able to run again will be lifted. You need to find out what you are able to do and focus on that. It's when you think of all the things you can't do that everything becomes negative. If at this stage all physical activity is out you need to find something new to try or learn, you need to keep occupied and not have excessive amounts of time to sit around and think worst case scenarios, stay positive. If you can swim then you could join a local swimming squad, then you could meet some new people, if you can do deep water running you could try a class. Read books on running. Watch dvd's. Try cooking new recipes. I hope you are on the road to recovery and back running in the near future.

[TFive]

Here's another hug .........     Take care  xx

[Colsy]

For Shankate:

I'm just a bum newbie but already I see a lot of runners go down in a big way when they can't run for a while. It is especially tragic for you as running is your anti-depressant. I have long believed that physical exercise is a cure for some forms of depression. I like to think that if (when?) I get injured I will resort to something else to pass the time until I can hit the pavement again. So here are a few suggestions that I hope you will remind me about when I can't run and I am asking for help:

Join or rejoin the gym and try some upper body stuff, strengthen the arms, chest, shoulders, back in prep for your running return.
Gentle bike riding at the gym or outdoors.
Volunteer work at a race event.
Swimming, deep water run or, if you can, very long beach walks.
Fly a kite, a big one.
Call someone you haven't called in years.
Do some crazy cooking in the kitchen.
Research famous injured runners who came back to it.
Join Friends Reunited
Join a Forum on a subject you know nothing about and just wing it for a laugh.
Re-arrange your furniture.
Purge those 80s clothes or garage sale them.
Host a coffee morning with the neighbours.
Dress up nice and go and take a BMW for a test drive.

[sook54]

Shankate, I just can't imagine how devastated you must feel. I can't agree more with those who are saying get it checked out and diagnosed properly ASAP. Knowing what you have to face is so much better than fearing the worst.

In the meantime, here's another hug  

Even though we've never met I seem to remember you did your first half-marathon at the Central Coast last year, same as me so I feel like I know you already

[Peterhorse]

Having just joined the injured list a week before a goal race i should have nailed a PB in, i could try to claim some connection with you on this one Shankate... but i said to my wife i was feeling depressed about not being able to run and was promptly reminded "you mean disappointed". Dealing with disappointment is easier of course...e.g you can look at the line you put in bold type "my whole world revolves around running' and look dissect that to come up with some strategies... perhaps think of it as "your world being better becasue of what running gives you", not the running itself. is it sense of achievement? sense of belonging? a feeling of love that you get be connecting with running and runners? a feeling of being in control? if it is this last one for example then ask yourslef, "what else can i do for now to give me a feeling of being in control" etc..

Dealing with depression (rather than disappointment), i think needs a more profound and professional opinion... due to a personal situation i'm going to do some investigating of Beyond Blue, a charity helping people deal with depression.

you are fearing something here due to an injury that has just happened. the word FEAR is interesting... someone said to me once that fear is an acronym for 'False Expectations Appearing Real"... are you expecting the you will never run again? at this stage you haven't been diagnosed professionally and it may be a simple remedy. sometimes things work out badly and there is an intial shock when they do, but mostyl thaey work out just fine. you might think a person who loses their legs in accident could think running is over but Pat Carroll (running coach and marathon legend in Bris) has a poster at our training sessions of a guy finishing the gold coast marathon who had 2 prosthetic legs...gives you goosies.

the key seems to be to understadning what's driving your thoughts and feeling.... as Shrek says...the core of teh onion  

good luck with the proper diagnosis

warm (and lingering) hug

PH

Edited by Peterhorse, 17 April 2008 - 10:30 PM.

[Whippet gal]

First, here's another hug. You can never have too many.

This might help:
Years and years ago I was living interstate, away from my family and partner, and I got pretty down about everything. Something that really helped me was a 'grateful journal'. At the end of each day you have to write five things that you were grateful for - some things are easy, like passing an exam, meeting a friend etc. but other times you really have to think about it. The purpose of the journal was to make you pay attention to all the 'little' stuff that happens each day, in case you need something to fill the empty spaces. I started noticing when people smiled, opened doors, commented on my appearance, when I didn't have to wait at traffic lights... all sorts of things.

The first time I did this was ten years ago when I was 19, and I can honestly say it changed the way I look at life forever. I take notice of the 'little things' and I always go out of my way to do 'little things' for other people, because I know what a difference it can make.

Be gentle on yourself.

[slowmo]

Hi Shankate,

A snaily hug from me...

Making sure I do a decent walk each day when I can't run has helped me at such times.  I think it's partly the exercise but also being out in the daylight seems to help lift your spirits.

I don't know if you've seen this, but there is a great little picture book called "I Had A Black Dog" by Matthew Johnstone.  It has helped me a lot, not so much because it tells you anything you don't already know, but because it captures what it's like in simple, sometimes funny, sometimes sad illustrations. It's comforting, reassuring and a big help when talking to others about it.

In the notes at the end the author says: "If Black Dog chooses to make an appearance I no longer take flight or burn huge reserves of energy trying to conceal it. I accept the Black Dog is there, I batten down the hatches, I try to unload some responsibilities and live in the knowledge that it will pass because it always does."

May it pass for you too soon.

slowmo

[Danny]

Hi Shankate,

Now is the time to say woo hoo for going over to triathlon!  You get three sports and luckily swimming is low impact!  How does your injury stack up to cycling?  I wouldn't go out on the road, rather use a wind trainer if you can.

The only bit of advice I have is don't try and come back too early - I have fallen for this trap myself many times.  Everyone is right, just wait until you get your diagnosis and then work on recovery.

A big Newcastle hug for you!

Cheers,

Danny

[Brick]

Hi Shankate here's another hug.

I have friends and family who have had depression and I still feel useless trying to help.
The only way I have managed to help is by a hug so I really do mean a nice big hug.

The idea of swimming is good and also volunteering at runs might help.
Hope it all stays in perspective and your back gets better ASAP.

Brick

[Char]

Shankate
Thankyou for bringing this topic up (I didn't even think about it being on this running site), I'll send you a warm and fuzzy rather than a hug as I am not a very tactile person but do love the hugs you have been given, they made me smile.  Now I am waffling anyway just wanted to say great thread I too suffer from depression and I can appreciate how its really hard to get through each day masking the extent of how your feeling.  I never until now realised how running must take the edge off it and what I would be like without it, I think you have been given some great advice, so I won't add any accept the idea of volunteering at a race is my favourite, I have always found other runners positive and encouraging to be around utilise that energy for your recovery.
Take Care
Char

[Cato]

Shankate

Dealing with depression is just that. "Dealing with Depression".
There is no miracle cure or quick fix and unfortunately if an injury punches a big hole in one of the things you love most, the future can seem gloomy.
We live in a society that expects instant results and instant gratification. Life is not always like that.
I sincerely hope that your depression is only mild (have you been clinically diagnosed?) and is merely linked with your social life and feeling good about yourself. Give yourself some time for this injury to heal and try and set new goals as each time you reach one it will feel so much better.
As someone who has recently dragged myself out of a black hole of depression (after the death of my youngest daughter) I can honestly say that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Continue on with your social life with your running friends even if you cannot run at the moment. Maybe even volunteer to be a marshall at a race. Idid it a few time and absoluely loved it. Look after your body and focus on your work life which you oviously love. The injury will heal and soon you will get back to running. I had almost a year off running but have recently returned and dicovered the "fire within" that drives me.
Running is only one thing in my life, with family, friends, work and chocolate being other significant forces.

You definately need a hug, so be gentle on yourself and take it easy. The running will return in time and in soon this will all be a memory.

Take care.

Cato

[Also Ran]

I think the above suggestions are great.  

If you haven't had a talk to a professional (eg phychologist) since you got injured, please consider doing this as well.  If it's a work-related injury work cover may fund you.   Failing that you could talk to your GP about an Enhanced Primary Care (EPC) referral.  This can provide 5 subsidised consultations per year with a relevant professional.

I'd also suggest talking to a professional about whether anti-depressant meds could be suitable for you.  I think its fair to say that depression treatment that includes talk therapy and anti-depressants meds (when appropriate) is generally considered the most effective treatment.

All the best to you.

[youngrunner]

Hi ShanKate

First of all add me to the queue for a big hug.

I'm no psychologist nor had any experience with depression thankfully, so I'll leave that to others to talk about. The thing that I can tell you though is that every one here at CoolRunning will be right behind you, fully supporting you and happy to cheer you up any way they can. Even if you're not running due to the injury, stay on here and chat with every one.

Hope you get a quick diagnosis for your injury and things get on the up

Jimmy

[kathmandu]

Hi Shankate,

A big fat warm hug is in a mailbag on its way over east to you.

All the best little dudette.

[Colin]

Another big hug from me... wait, let me take my smelly T-shirt off first

Seriously, from personal experience (I won't go into detail) , colsy is probably on the money and what I was going to try and say.

You really have to try and keep yourself busy, so other hobbies, things you have put off for a while etc to keep your spirits up. Keep it going until the physical healing takes place and then you will be running again in no time.

All the best

[runmilo]

Hi

Don't worry you are not alone! TRUST ME!

I have had similar experiences - and am currently overcoming one - which (surprisingly) has made me alot stronger and appreciate running alot more. (to my shock horror)

About 8 years ago - I used running (to the extreme) as a means of escaping from my problems - the greater the problem the further I ran (these days I hate even saying how far i used to run as it is way to extreme)

5 years ago things caught up with me - to cut a long story short I got the news (which deep down I already knew - I had a really bad eating disorder - thank god - someone had picked up on it - If not I would be here typing this)

I have really amazed people how i have come back -I took a year off running (after medical staff said I would never run again) This was really hard (but than again it was so nice just to relax) I went for small walks

After getting back into running I started running really well again - first half marathon did a 1.26

My life to does revolve around runing - just ask my partner who is an a great runner and is some one I love and hate - I love him as he is always there for me - but it's hard when you are injuried and he is off running and doesn't understand that exercise "in general" is important and I am in a shocking mood if i don't get "my daily fix"

Just recently I was hit with another blow - I got a broken leg - so for  the last 3 months i have had off running - (when I was told i thought my life had ended) but I have found other ways of keeping fit and more importantly getting "my daily fix"

Ii have just started running (plodding along) and greatful that I am - however again the time away from running has made me look outside the square - there is more to life than running - TRUST ME if I can see that - anyone can

The mind is such a powerful thing - and u are the only one in control of it (alot harder than it sound) even today I still have trouble getting my head around things and it's nice to have someone to talk to - do you have a mate or mum? I use my mum alot (as great as my partner is ) my mum went through the journey with me so we have a bond that no-one can take away.

If you need anymore advice - drop me a line - as YES it is really hard

[Sunset]

I have been in a similar situation (documented around these forums), and I was somewhat devastated when injured and cried a lot. Running was/is my coping mechanism.

Last time I was injured it prompted me to get into triathlon which mostly has been a positive thing for me (but not so much lately - this is not relevant though).
It has taught me new skills and I am doing things I thought I would never do.

This experience for you can only make you stronger and you might be able to discover things that you would never have done otherwise.

It seems so common for runners to be devastated by injury. It's a bit sad

(there also seems to be a common link between eating issues and runners? I am reading a Runners World book (Complete guide to womens running), and the author writes that she hasn't met a female runner who isn't picky with her food)

Edited by Sunset, 18 April 2008 - 11:12 AM.

[Ron1]

Edited by littleaussie, 26 July 2008 - 02:46 AM.

[Cato]

RonnieRennen, on Apr 18 2008, 01:44 PM, said:

My doctor gave me a loan of the picture book you mentioned.   It is a very clever and encouraging book.  Its a simple book of substance.

Peterhorse.  Your wife noting the difference between disappointment and depression is wise.
Also one must consider the difference betwen clinical depression and depression.

William Styron in "Darkness Visible"  desribed his depression thus: "...my speech, emulating my way of walking, had slowed to the vocal equivaent of a shuffle ... I'd feel the horror, like some poisonous fog bank, roll in upon my mind, forcing me into bed.  There I would lie for as long as six hours, stuporous and virtually paralysed."

Sometimes this stuporous and paralysed state is so overwhelming that the person will , in frustration , start to harm themselves so as to feel.      

This may be seen as self-indulgent but when you see a loved one fall to depression it rips your heart out. You cry yourself to sleep praying for good things to come to the one you love.  When you see them going through hell you take that journey into darkness with them.  It's not the same - I don't want to trivialise or lessen the pain of clinical depression - but it is a journey I wouldn't wish on any parent or peson.  You wake in the night and pray things to be good for them; you cry yourself back to sleep - your partner holds you  - she knows your pain.  And then you think how those with clincal depresson must feel - you then feel bad for your self-indulgence.  

Everytime the phone rings your stomach turns because you expect to be rushing off to the emergency ward to comfort the one you love so dearly  - or worse, to say goodbye.    And when they have harmed themselves, you pray they haven't damaged themselves beyond healing.  You remember "Peter" and how cold he felt as you helped carry him into emergency.  And you panic.    

When you go for a run you feel guilty.  When you miss a run (I've been called to the hospital on the eve of a championship) you feel resentful (You think: can't I have a life like the other guys?); you start asking yourself why bother planning races when you'll be needed - and then, as Cato points out, the light at the end of the tunnel becomes stronger and you realise that that part of their journey is passing by.   Things start to get better and you realise what a sort-of blessing it has all been, for now you have a deeper understanding of life, a realisation that there is much more to life than running and daughter who loves you more than ever.  

Ronnie

Beautifully said Ronnie.

Cato

[Dizzey]

RonnieRennen, on Apr 18 2008, 01:44 PM, said:

My doctor gave me a loan of the picture book you mentioned.   It is a very clever and encouraging book.  Its a simple book of substance.

Peterhorse.  Your wife noting the difference between disappointment and depression is wise.
Also one must consider the difference betwen clinical depression and depression.

William Styron in "Darkness Visible"  desribed his depression thus: "...my speech, emulating my way of walking, had slowed to the vocal equivaent of a shuffle ... I'd feel the horror, like some poisonous fog bank, roll in upon my mind, forcing me into bed.  There I would lie for as long as six hours, stuporous and virtually paralysed."

Sometimes this stuporous and paralysed state is so overwhelming that the person will , in frustration , start to harm themselves so as to feel.      

This may be seen as self-indulgent but when you see a loved one fall to depression it rips your heart out. You cry yourself to sleep praying for good things to come to the one you love.  When you see them going through hell you take that journey into darkness with them.  It's not the same - I don't want to trivialise or lessen the pain of clinical depression - but it is a journey I wouldn't wish on any parent or peson.  You wake in the night and pray things to be good for them; you cry yourself back to sleep - your partner holds you  - she knows your pain.  And then you think how those with clincal depresson must feel - you then feel bad for your self-indulgence.  

Everytime the phone rings your stomach turns because you expect to be rushing off to the emergency ward to comfort the one you love so dearly  - or worse, to say goodbye.    And when they have harmed themselves, you pray they haven't damaged themselves beyond healing.  You remember "Peter" and how cold he felt as you helped carry him into emergency.  And you panic.    

When you go for a run you feel guilty.  When you miss a run (I've been called to the hospital on the eve of a championship) you feel resentful (You think: can't I have a life like the other guys?); you start asking yourself why bother planning races when you'll be needed - and then, as Cato points out, the light at the end of the tunnel becomes stronger and you realise that that part of their journey is passing by.   Things start to get better and you realise what a sort-of blessing it has all been, for now you have a deeper understanding of life, a realisation that there is much more to life than running and daughter who loves you more than ever.  

Ronnie

Very well said Ronnie, I couldn't have put it better myself and yet I've lived through it a lot of my life going back as far as I can remember. I was diagnosed with "clinical depression" some years ago and have the scars, literally, to prove it.

Yes, there are good days and bad days. It's fantastic when you go through a patch, as I am currently in, when the good days far outway the bad. It's these times that keep us going, but in the back of your mind it lurks, that bloody black dog, waiting to jump out and take you by surprise.

I'm glad I've started running again again. Having something to focus on really helps. The planning, logging of training looking forward to events. It is having that focus that can really help. Along, of course with the support of friends, family and a site like CoolRunning which helps people in so many ways. This is the most incredible web site I have ever encountered and feel totally blessed to have found it.

The posts and blogs I read keep me motivated, inspired and laughing. It is great to read the journey's of others. Hearing of their ups and downs does help to put my own life into a little more perspective at times.

Shankate, I now how you feel. You find a focus, in running, that really helps you and then, like that black dog jumping out from behind a tree, it appears to be taken away fom you. Rest easy in the knowledge that it hasn't been taken away from you, your injury will heal and you will get back to it before long. Focus on keeping your mind, and body as much as you can, active in other ways. Plan your "come back" schedule, hit the pool and, as many others have suggested throughout this thread, volunteer at a few events and keep involved with the running fraternity that way.

To all those who need one - a huge hug from me.

I've only just discovered this thread and will certainly be keeping an eye on it. I hope, through my own experiences, I can offer some help to others feeling similar.

Edited by Dizzey, 18 April 2008 - 03:22 PM.

[Joey74]

A big hug to all that needs one, especially you Shankate.

It's just nice to get a hug every now and then.

Take care of yourself   here's another hug just because!

[Ron1]

.

Edited by littleaussie, 02 August 2008 - 12:10 PM.

[Shankate]

Any reluctance that I had initially, about posting in regards to my depression and anxiety has been completely eradicated following the amazing heartfelt responses from you wonderful people here on CR. I appreciate each and every 'hug' sent my way more than you might imagine and these gestures gave me comfort and warm fuzzies during a challenging time. Almost as good as a hug from mum would've been, and if not - then a very good compromise!

This is certainly not anywhere near the depths of depression and anxiety that I have experienced in the past (for I would not have posted at that regretful time); however I felt it important to, to prevent it getting back to that awful place - which I did fear would happen when I realised that I wasn't able to run - my primary coping mechanism. I also wanted to let people know that mental illness comes in many different packages and is not something to be ashamed of.

For anyone that is currently battling with depression or anxiety in any way, shape or form (or an eating disorder for that matter); gain comfort in the display of compassion that has been shared with me through this forum, for that is there for you also. Don't be ashamed of what is fundamentally a medical problem and be not reluctant to post, as there is amazing potentiial for healing, through sharing your experiences with some of the amazing people here on CR.

Thankyou all for your selflessness, compassion and understanding. I will endeavour to be grateful for all of the youth, health and vitality that I have, and will also try to be patient with my recovery and kind to the able body that I have been blessed with. No promises, but I will try! I'm sure my mum is also very grateful back in SA for helping to keep me sane (ish) over here in Newcastle... so far away from her baby!!

PM me if you feel that way inclined, I'm more than happy to reply. Thanks again and happy running to all of those that can - and just plain HAPPINESS to the rest of us!!  

[wombatoutofhell]

I've been following this closely but have been unsure of what to say as I haven't experienced depression of that type before.    My suggestion was going to be to talk to a few others I know have had similar issues but 2 of the 3 I had in mind have posted.  My other suggestion was to volunteer at some events or just cheer but thats been suggested too.  I have no other ideas!  So my knowledge and experience with it is very minimal and I can't give any advice better than what you've allready had.  I am, however, an expert on hugs-so here's another warm fuzzy one for you.  There's plenty more where that came from.

[Peterhorse]

I must have started this post 20 times then deleted it, only to try again...it's the guilt of having some self indulgence which you so humbly put forward Ronnie. As the tears stream down my face reading and re-reading some of these posts i feel the priveledge of seeing how life's true champions cope with the cards they are dealt. Alas, not everyone wins their battle with clinical depression. A matter of weeks ago my younger brother gave up his battle with depression and took his life. I can claim no empathy with depression, just heartfelt sympathies for those who are suffering and cannot beat it. I'm in the camp of those who want so desperately to help take the pain away but feel impotent when we can't. Everyone posting here has either beaten depression for good, or at times, or has the chance to fight on and do so, or has concern for those who are suffering. Even if we can't run or do the other things we do until we can next run, at least while there's life there's hope.  As my 6 yo son said about this whole business " i don't know why he did that Dad 'cause tomorrow could be the best day ever".
RIP Simon, as Robin Williams' character in Good Will Hunting said "it's not your fault". Miss you mate.
Whether you are running, just talking about running, longing about getting back to running or whatever.... it's good to know you not only have people care about you that you don't know, but many who are around you that love you lots.
Smile, because there's lots of tomorrows and hundreds of things each day that make them the best day ever. you just gotta look for them  
PH
p.s. ever noticed how the misty rain of a cool autumn shower defies gravity as it falls from the sky, yet the heavy drops from dark black cloud seem to pound down as if they have little weigths on them? i wonder which we'll get to see this weekend?  
well, it was just what i could think of as i looked out the window...  

Edited by Peterhorse, 18 April 2008 - 10:25 PM.

[Sunset]

wow, there are some quite deep and moving posts being made in this thread - what a beautiful running community we have here

[Ron1]

Peterhorse, on Apr 18 2008, 10:19 PM, said:

I must have started this post 20 times then deleted it, only to try again...it's the guilt of having some self indulgence which you so humbly put forward Ronnie. As the tears stream down my face reading and re-reading some of these posts i feel the priveledge of seeing how life's true champions cope with the cards they are dealt. Alas, not everyone wins their battle with clinical depression. A matter of weeks ago my younger brother gave up his battle with depression and took his life. I can claim no empathy with depression, just heartfelt sympathies for those who are suffering and cannot beat it. I'm in the camp of those who want so desperately to help take the pain away but feel impotent when we can't. Everyone posting here has either beaten depression for good, or at times, or has the chance to fight on and do so, or has concern for those who are suffering. Even if we can't run or do the other things we do until we can next run, at least while there's life there's hope.  As my 6 yo son said about this whole business " i don't know why he did that Dad 'cause tomorrow could be the best day ever".
RIP Simon, as Robin Williams' character in Good Will Hunting said "it's not your fault". Miss you mate.
Whether you are running, just talking about running, longing about getting back to running or whatever.... it's good to know you not only have people care about you that you don't know, but many who are around you that love you lots.
Smile, because there's lots of tomorrows and hundreds of things each day that make them the best day ever. you just gotta look for them  
PH
p.s. ever noticed how the misty rain of a cool autumn shower defies gravity as it falls from the sky, yet the heavy drops from dark black cloud seem to pound down as if they have little weigths on them? i wonder which we'll get to see this weekend?  
well, it was just what i could think of as i looked out the window...  

Peterhorse: I am sorry that your brother took his life.  What a shock to hear such sad and heart-wrenching news. I feel very sad for him and those he left behind.  Thanks for sharing your loss.  It must be hard for you and your loved ones.    

"I don't know why he did that Dad 'cause tomorrow could be the best day ever".   That is pure  innocent good sense.  Lovely.  I hope your children always feel that way.  "...tomorrow could be the best day ever."  A gem.

Cheers.

Edited by littleaussie, 01 August 2008 - 03:58 PM.

[ican]

To those of you who have suffered such tragic loss and those of you struggling with ongoing depression I feel such sadness.  I also sense your hope which for me usually comes in the form of support.  You all have support in the CR community and definitely big hugs for all.

I in no way wish to compare my small bout with depression but what helped me was a fairly clinical approach.  First, antidepresants helped lift the cloud enough for me to stop the downward spiral.  Secondly, support! support! support! Gather it from wherever you can.  It was from this point that I was able to organise my life in a way to feel good about myself.  The other thing for me is I'm an animal lover and my pets are always there for hugs when I need them, they're unconditional.

All the best and I am available for PM if anyone needs support.

[Dizzey]

G'day once again.

I have just been catching up on this thread and would like to say "well done" to Peterhorse for sharing what must be such a painful and emotional event with us like you have. As Ronnie has said "you have honoured your brother by sharing your loss with others rather than keeping it hidden."

My thoughts are with you and your family. Just remember the good times, as I'm sure there's plenty of them!!

The other thing I would like to say to you Peterhorse is that I think you would have to be the father of the wisest young man here on earth at the moment. If only we could all look at life through the simplistic eyes of a child. "I don't know why he did that Dad 'cause tomorrow could be the best day ever". Know that his words will stay with me for a very long time, thank you for sharing them with us and, as Ronnie says, I hope your kids look at life in this way always!!

As others have said, please PM me if you would like to 'chat'. I feel I have a bit I can share in the way of support, understanding or just a shoulder to prop you up through a bad time. In the words of that "awesome athelete" Sharon Strezleke from Kath & Kim fame "I'm here if you need..."

Edited by Dizzey, 19 April 2008 - 04:55 PM.

[MilesMakeChampions]

Shankate, on Apr 17 2008, 09:04 PM, said:

Thought I would dig out this thread rather than starting a new one.... BEWARE: this is a deep one from me and I will no doubt regret it after I post.....    

I am currently facing a bit of a dilemma. To be as brief as possible, I have a long standing history of depression (with associated anorexia in the past); and have recently 'slipped' a bit, back into what feels like a bubble where I am somewhat able to exist in the world - but not quite able to interact with it completely. Fortunately in the past I have been able to use running as the best natural anti-depressant, anti-anxiety treatment I've ever tried (and I've tried quite a few...) - but alas, it is no longer an option...  

I have been injured now for two weeks, during which time I have been unable to run. At all. I can hardly even put weight on my right leg so I can't even run 'a bit'. I was running ~ 70-80kms/week and then one morning I just couldn't get out of bed as my back was so painful; and has been since. Nothing has ever stopped me running before! (I guess I shoudl consider myself lucky!!)

The dilemma I am now facing is that I have realised my whole world revolves around running. I am devastated not to be able to get my daily 'fix' and all of my plans for this year are based around events. I am single and have recently moved interstate, and pretty much my whole social life also revolves around running.

My injury is not improving and just to add to the mix; after being assessed by Staff Health at work today have been told I cannot work until a 'plan' has been put into place so that my work is safe and I don't hurt my back more. So a forced sick day tomorrow.  

I am now not only depressed about not being able to run, extremely worried about my injury (for which I don't have a diagnosis yet) and it's outcome for my running future, but also feeling like a failure for all the patients that now have to be cancelled tomorrow, anxious about what I'm going to do when I'm not working, guilty for being ungrateful when I KNOW there are people soo much worse off than me etc etc.

I guess my reason for posting was to see if anyone had any coping ideas for a depression-prone running addict deemed unable to run? Personal experiences? A kick in the bum? Or a hug?  

Hi Shankate

My experience with dealing wth mild depression stretches way back to the late 70's , early 80's. Just about all of my family have been on anti-depressants at some time in their lives, and I think it's probably linked to the melancholic Irish blood running through our veins. Not to say that all people with some Irish heritage are prone to depression, but anecdotal evidence I've observed seems to point in that direction. I took up running in the mid 80's, and I think this is the only reason I've never taken anti-depressants. With that in mind, I try to avoid injury at all costs, so I tend to train very slowly, avoid speed training and race weekly if possible. The times when I can't run due to injury, I try and walk for the same amount of time that I would usually run. Walking seems to help keep me sane when I can't run. Are you able to walk? If so, give it a try as it may help. Also, when you can run again, train very gently and make your main aim one of avoiding injury rather than trying to improve at all costs. I don't know much about your social life, but try to avoid having too much to drink, and definitely avoid hooch. Hope this helps.

Edited by MilesMakeChampions, 19 April 2008 - 05:45 PM.

[plu]

There was a brilliant thread on this topic in 2004-5  In looking for it I have come across this one:
http://www.coolrunni...p/t3945-50.html


alas not the one I am looking for.

Plu

[SouthAustralian]

This has been such a helpful thread for me today. Today has been a sad day.
Today my beautiful son Noah would have been 12 years old.
He died as a baby with a heart defect.
I have three glorious daughters, but I always wanted a son. My own father was an alcoholic violent man, and I wanted to 'redress the balance' with my own son.
This date is always a difficult one. But reading these responses reminds me that life is a gift, its also a struggle, but ultimately it'sa bout living in the 'now'. You people have touched me through this thread in ways that you could never imagine. Thank you.
Frank

[sunny1]

plu, on Apr 19 2008, 06:18 PM, said:

There was a brilliant thread on this topic in 2004-5  In looking for it I have come across this one:
http://www.coolrunni...p/t3945-50.html
alas not the one I am looking for.

Plu

Was this the one that you were thinking of Plu? Black Dog

I remember both of these threads ... they were during my 1st CoolRunning life (as Sunni) and I was pulling myself out of the dark abyss. CoolRunning helped me then. On the Black Dog thread there are some 'contencious' posts, but read through to the end ...



Best wishes to everyone out there working their way to light, happiness and a free spirit. Surround yourself with supportive people, start with a plan and work on what you can change. Chill!!

xoxoxo

Edited by sunny1, 19 April 2008 - 08:39 PM.